March 21, 2011 | 12 Comments »
Assalamu Alaikum Wr Wb Imam Yassir Fazaga this is a topic that is very rarely discussed everyone needs to listen to this lecture. Beautiful,Beautiful lecture.May Allah(swt) protect our families from this violence ameen.
Subhann’Allah! I didn’t know there were any Muslim men who really understood this. But I still want to know HOW you will make them stop. You can talk to a brother, show him verses and ahadith, and he will continue to abuse his family. HOW can we make them stop? Call the police? Run away? What?
SubhaanAllah this made me cry. It hit all to close to home. Unfortunately I have had several aHadeeth quoted to me about my “place” as a wife. I have been told that he will take the kids because they are “his” Islamically. I ask him what kind of mercy is that where a woman has to choose between an abusive relationship, losing her kids, or running in fear? I wish to know though, if when these women of the Sahaba complained about their abuse why the Prophet SAW did not condem the behavior of their husbands? Only to say, they are not the best.
Many women don’t want to say/do anything 1)out of shame 2)out of fear 3)because there are little or NO Muslim based resources to help her and her children 4)she is ignorant of her rights 5)she stays “for the children” 5)She actually loves her abuser despite his abuse 6)has no self esteem 7)financial reasons 8)concern that she will anger Allah SWT if she asks for divorce 8)keeping up appearances…etc. Recognition of verbal/emotional abuse is also paramount. It is more common and more harmful.
Assalaamu alaykum wa rahmtu Allah wa barakatuh
My sister it hurts to know what you’re going through. May Allah SWT guide your husband and protect you and your children.
If I can offer some advice sister, that you pray to Allah SWT in Qiyam with all your heart knowing that only He SWT can save your marriage, then approach your husband telling him you want to have a serious discussion whenever hes available. Rely on Allah SWT throughout the discussion to make him understand and accept. Insha Allah he will.
As Muslims we MUST believe that anything is possible with the help of Allah SWT. The worst kind of husband CAN change into the best. Tell him that and that you believe it. And let him know that you’ll work on yourself as well and try your best to become a better spouse and mother.
Then develop a practical plan together and write it out. You might want to include things like marriage counseling once a week, spending time together daily doing some type of thikr, using please and thank you more often… I’m 100% certain it’ll work out if you try your best and don’t ever lose hope in Allah SWT. Allah will never let you down and He SWT is the Most Just, the Most Wise, the Most Loving.
You are in my duas and all sisters facing this trial.
wasalaamu alaykum wa rahmatu Allah wa baraktuh
Jezakullah Kheir KhilafahIsComing. I have done much of what you have suggested (and continue some). I have asked in the past for marriage counseling and he refused. He thinks it is a dumb American thing and we can work our problems out on our own. The onus of our marital discontent in his mind is on me. According to him, if I simply don’t do the things that “push his buttons” then we will be fine. I yield and I pray for 15+ years. I just want out most of the time. I am myslef around everyone but him. With him I am guarded and quieter. I have stopped trying to make him happy and aim now to avoid maiking him angry. On the rare occaision he leaves town I don’t miss him. Even if it is for several months. I can’t even begin to tell of why I feel this way. It would take too long. I guess my frustration is, many times when a sister complains of abuse a sheikh usually tells her pray to Allah SWT and be patient. Allah allows divorce, He does not allow oppression. My children also make comments about waiting for Baba to go out so we can relax. My 12 year old tries to hide out in her room when he is here. My son prefers that I drive and pick him up from school due to the “yelling” and rarely hitting my husband inflicts on him. My husband is of the opinion that it is a good thing that his children are afraid of him so they will behave better. He is not mean all the time but often enough to cause an imbalance. There is no one to talk to about this here. My family is not Muslim and his live overseas. He has no respect for the Imam at our mosque. I am not perfect by any means and have room for improvement for sure, but I don’t derserve to be hit, kicked, insulted, things thrown at me, my family and friends insulted, threatened, etc. When I hear lectures like the one above I usually cry because there is a severe disconnect between how I see Islam and how my husband enforces his understanding of it. I continue to ask Allah SWT for intervention and/or change however He sees fit. I ache for relief from this and I know it can only come from Allah SWT. Jezakullah kheir for your du’a. I need all I can get.
May ALlah swt help the Muslims to wake up and realize what they have done .. Ameen
I apologize sister for the very late reply. It kills me to know what you gothrough with your husand. Still things can change. We cant let ourselves believe otherwise. There’s always hope.
“Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.” (Surah Yusuf 12:87)
You can definitely turn the marriage around as bad as it is but it’ll require great spiritual effort ie constant calling on Allah SWT in supplication, more nawaafil, more good deeds and less sin. An obedient and respectful servant is more deserving of Allah’s Mercy and help than one who isn’t. By Allah SWT, I know your marriage has the potential to turn into and extremely beautiful one. So please don’t lose hope.. please. Truly, anything is possible if we trust in Allah SWT the Most Merciful, the Most Wise. All you have to do is try your best, have hope and beg Allah SWT for guidance. If you do that, I swear by Allah SWT that He SWT will help you in a way you never imagined possible. So strengthen your Iman and put your trust in Allah SWT. Actually tell Allah SWT that you will never ever ever lose hope in Him and Tell Him SWT that even if you fall down you’ll get back up again and again and again. DONT EVER GIVE UP Allah’s SWT help will come to you in the best way at the best time.
You can do it my sister. May you never lose hope. Amin
wa salaamu alaykum wa rahmtu Allah wa barakatuh
ps if Allah SWT had not willed, I would have never been able to reply to you this message. Allah SWT loves us and its just not fair of us to believe otherwise of Him SWT Please my sister, don’t give up.
assalamu alaikkum sister,
I can understand what u r saying, as i have gone thru and going through the same. i was just searching of a lecture to put it on so that my husband can hear it. InshaAllah, Allah verily hears. He will hear us.
Those who have an anger problem to the extent they have to raise hands, they cannot stop just like that, they need counseling.
I’am surprised nobody is telling these sisters to get out of such marriages. What could be worse than this – should one live in an emotionally bankrupt situation?
I’am not sure if fear of break-up will be any motivation for these men to stop and change their behavior, but I pray that american average of 18 – 25 years before a woman gets out is minimized greatly in coming generations.
I can understand that in a capacity of an imam you cannot come on the mike and tell the sisters to ask for divorce or else people might call you a home-breaker, but, honestly a woman should walk out on her man the first time he hits her – because the first time is NEVER the last time. In fact its the beginning of the deterioration of their relationship. It goes to worse from there.
I want to say this to the readers here …
I lived in an emotionally bankrupt relationship for 16 years before starting the process of divorce.
He did not hit me, but he did everything else possible which robbed love off the relationship – or should I say he did everything against the possibility of love entering the relationship.
Verbal abuse, nit picking, back biting, controlling my time, sleep, money, interactions with friends and family, and practice of islam – you name it. He would throw away my belongings and control what I should buy. He even wanted to control how often, how much and in what manner I pursue my personal spiritual growth. I have been abused for wearing the hijab, studying hadith, tafsir and arabic language. Abused for wanting to offer my prayers on time and refusing to eat food which we doubted to be halal.
In the beginning I would pray to Allah, to improve the situation. Then I started to ask Him to give me the strength and courage to bear it with wisdom and sanity. I asked for afiyah. But I remember there came a time when i would seriously ask Him to help me out. I would pray in the third quarter of the night to get me out!
All of this took so long because I did not have any support system. My parents did not see divorce as an option. The close friends I would discuss this with did not see my situation as terrible as to take such a major step.
My support system and well wishers would tell me to have patience and tawakkul al allah, but they did not tell me to call it quits. I m sorry, very sorry why our society looks at divorce so negatively that they have made something haram upon themselves which Allah has made halal!
However, 1.5 years after the divorce if I look back I have only one regret – why did I not have the courage to walk out sooner! My courage came from a pious lady I met during a dars, 10 mins into my story she asked me why I was not considering divorce. I told her I do not have a support system. She told me to try to improve my marriage then, and that was the only other option I had.
I thought through about what she said, and an incident that followed in the ever escalating deterioration of my relationship with my husband. He threatened to hit me. That was the last straw. After having abused me for 15 years, on this one occasion when he insulted me in public and threatened to hit me, I decided this is the end of all the patience I could ever muster.
Ever since I have been happier. I have a responsibility of two kids. We have much less money and our needs are only increasing with kids having to go university in near future … but, the peace and happiness we enjoy at home, no kind of money can buy. Alhamdulillah I made the right decision.
I dont know what the imams of masajid are telling these sisters. I m not a scholar but I know if one is out of an abusive relationship early in their life, they score a better chance for a second marriage. I’am training my daughter such that she knows all the red flags of possible abuse in a relationship. I tell my children hurting an individual is never an option, and that giving heart ache to someone is such a crime before Allah which He will not forgive unless the person they have inflicted the pain forgives them first – that is the justice of Allah.
What is wrong with our men? May Allah help you sisters. I can just pray for them.
Assalamualaikum khilafah is coming,
people tell me if a man would hit a his wife in America, he will not get away with it. sadly, even in the most modern society the story is the same. if after marriage we want to go back to our parent’s house, the doors are closed ! feels like they wanted to get rid of us. I have 2 daughters and if I live long enough to see them get married, I hope and pray that I can be there for them to counsel and support when and if need be.
I have all hope in Allah swt. He will definitely make it easier for us soon Ameen.
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